Don't read this

I had put down a deposit.  Signed for a loan I didn't even ask for. I wasn't even there when the deal was made.  My parents arranged it for me.  My life long loan. Now I make payments every day.  I need to take care of it, pay the bills, make sure I fill it with fuel three times a day. Sometimes I run it into the ground, sometimes I leave it in the garage to make sure it doesn't get rusted. I have grown to like this loan, it's been fun, it has taken me places I could only dream of.  Something that seems like I'd like to have for a while.  But everywhere I looked, every loan agent I talked to, they all told me the same thing. These bones are not for sale, they are not mine to have.  I only signed up for a loan.  Someday I am going to have to trade it in. It doesn't matter if I take good care of it, keep it washed and out of the sun to keep the paint from chipping.  There is no form to sign, no money I can put down, no barter, no de...

Hey friends, friends and family, people that I care about, people that I have yet to meet and get a chance to care about, hey all of you. Thanks, thanks for everything, thanks for this wonderful life, thank you for the wonderful times.  You make a single soul feel like something bigger, something that means something.  You make me feel like I am cared for.  Your love, your kindness, your thoughtfulness gives me meaning. It is you that give me strength, and the hustle bustle of this world can't compare to what you provide.  The world tempts me with wonderful places, beautiful worlds, fantastic cities, lands and experiences that would make others jealous.  Yet the only place I want to be is with my friends.  I can't run away to places, I run to my friends. I feel that if we are together we can make all of this ours, dance in traffic, turn a line to a party, make enemies our friends, paint what we can reach with the light that we have. You're my batter...

Locked up, its been so long in here. Every memory, every thought has been in this cell.  The people that I have learned from, the people I admire, we are all locked in the same place. We might be different, we might have a window view, some nicer bars, a top bunk if we're lucky, but we all wear the same jumpsuit. So I find the people with the cell that I feel comfortable with.  I make friends, I learn from them.  What they can see out their cell.  The small sliver of light that we can see.  It all reflects off the aluminum a little different.  So many different stories from the same light.  Apparent that we all want to see more, that we might get mad that the light doesn't show us more, that we are locked up in our cells.  Some talk about the light is all they have.  Some just shut their eyes and listen to the few sounds we hear.  We talk in the yard about the story of how the light was today.  What we heard, the same smells w...

I met you, I was graced by happenstance, the luck of the world, our paths crossed and I met you. You were such a beautiful flower but the world hadn't treated you as kind.  I saw so much within you, so much life in your being.  I wanted to be with you, because you made me feel better.  I wanted to do all the kind things for you, so you would want to be with me.  I wanted to be nice to you so you can see how good it was to be with me.  I wanted you to be with me because I wanted to feel better. I said nice things to you, I did nice things for you.  I lifted you up, told you that you were the world.  That you were something special, encouraged the spark in you to ignite the light that you can shine to others.  Be the bright shining star the world can see, see that I was able to capture that light. I thought you were beautiful, I saw how people noticed you.  I wanted to be the one you wanted.  I wanted you to love me.  You fille...

Every morning I wake up I remind myself.  The alarm is set at the same time, the sun comes up through the same crack in the blinds, I drink the same coffee and get into the same car, but this might not be the same day. The world is full of all, the wicked and the wonder.  Everyday I struggle to find the latter but know that the other is just behind.  Yet the moment we met everything felt a little different.  My coffee didn't taste the same, my car felt like a different machine, and the light seemed to shine a little brighter. Now you are at my side, the two of us together hand in hand in this crazy world.  I don't know what tomorrow brings as much as we try to make it be ours.  The chaos of the world will write the last line to our book but it doesn't seem to matter.  The world can throw what it wants our way as long as I have you by my side.  Any lemon that gets put in our way, I feel we can make a great lemonade.  As dark as the night m...

I love the cold. The brisk cool breeze on a hot summer day made me feel wonderful.  The cool 74 degrees fahrenheit makes for a great day. Tired of the heat, of the inconsistent days that weather would bring, I moved where it was colder so I can feel 74 everyday.  It was great for a while but ever so slowly the 74 began to feel a little warm.  A normal day where I wanted it to be colder.  64, 62, I'd even take 70. More and more, I wanted it to be colder, and colder, and colder.  A bag of ice under my pillow, an ice pack or two comforted me at work.  People would ask me out for a drink but the idea of an alcoholic beverage heating up my insides makes me nauseous.  So I just stay home and sit in my fridge, reading the ingredient label of the milk again. Colder and colder, I can't get enough.  It's the only way I want to live in this warm world.  I sit in the bath with the freezer door open.  The earth moving all around and me here, fr...

Just because I eat sweets doesn't mean I like cake. Just because I walk doesn't mean I don't need a ride. Just because I sleep doesn't mean I don't get tired. Just because I use a computer doesn't mean I need an email. Just because I shop doesn't mean I want your ads. Just because I am bored doesn't me you entertain me. Just because I am out dancing til 3 am doesn't mean I'm not tired. Just because I Just because I am a nice guy doesn't mean I can't be mean. Just because I laugh and smile doesn't mean I'm not rotting inside. Just because I cry doesn't mean I don't see the silver lining. Just because I doubt doesn't mean I don't believe. Just because I did something wrong doesn't mean I am bad. Just because I see doesn't mean that I'm not blind. Just because I hate you doesn't mean that I don't respect you. Just because I flooded the building in bubbles doesn't mean I'm not ...