Don't read this

For a moment you forget what it was like the first time, the first time someone took you to a place because you were old enough, they wanted to get you your first.  The first time you took a sip, a taste of it.  You forget how it was so strong you almost didn't want it.  How could anyone endure this potent mixture?  Then a second sip, and the next thing you know, you had the time of your life.... for what you can remember. Then it begins, and you look for it.  You remember how fun it is, and it's just a night of fun.  Nothing to be concerned with, you are just looking for a good time.  Some of the best times, some of the great moments are all with it.  You wonder why everyone else doesn't, but that doesn't matter.  You're with other people who share the same sentiment and you don't care.  It's fun and it make you feel good and that's all that matters. You go out for the sole purpose to be exposed to it. People caution you that y...

The world revolves, it doesn't keep me in mind. It just keeps moving at it's own pace. I try to keep up, and sometime it spins in my direction, and sometimes it doesn't.  It just spins because it wants to. I try to remember that. I sometimes can only see the world as far as my mind will reach, and it makes me thing the world spins for me. Sometimes I think that the world spins with reckless abandonment, without thinking of all the chaos that it creates. Although perhaps that is just the reach of my sight, that maybe it spins to keep the world a better place, and what I see as misfortune, what I see as destruction, is actually the world trying to keep everything in place. I just have to remember that the world will keep spinning and hope that sometimes it spins with me.

What am I holding onto that is slowing killing me? What do I reach out to so that I feel alive yet at the same time is the reason I'll meet my demise? Am I putting my life into something that will end me? What happens to me when it is gone, will I cease as well? Drugs, sports, kids, religion, my favorite tv show, heritage, nationalism, alcohol, status, my job, my makeup, where does it end and I begin? Am I only a reflection of my addiction? Is my addiction just a reflection of me?

I was told that you need to fill yourself with purpose.  Find the life that you were meant to live.  I filled my life with beliefs and rules to give my life meaning.  I stood for what I believed in and became filled with anger when other people's purpose was opposed to mine.  We stood strong on our beliefs against each other, creating purpose. I filled myself with my own needs, scared that anyone, anything could take them away.  I filled myself with apprehension, with doubt of the needs of others.  That those needs might take away my own.  I filled myself with what I though I should. I filled myself with so much I couldn't keep it all in.  I filled myself with too much, it violently lashed out.  So much kept within, under pressure of all the emotion.  I filled my soul with what I only knew. Now I sit a mess, spilled everywhere, wondering to fill again with what they say to fill yourself, to give yourself purpose.  Give this li...

Where does tradition end and stereotypes begin? Is it only when it is a negative trait? I don't want people to think that I am a stuffy business man so should I get tattoos?  Do I get a mohawk to show people I am not a part of the of the norm.  Although punk is so dirty and I like to look good, how about mod?  I want to be cool, but not look like I try, yet try to be mod?  Too much thinking, how about I just be gangster, wear the appropriate colors and listen to rap.  Too much violence, plus all the people that I associate with hip hop, they probably won't accept me.  If I try to be like them I would just be a white wannabe, but wait, I'm half mexican.  I guess I need to listen to salsa, eat mexican food, celebrate Mexican Independence day so I don't forget my heritage.  Although then what stereotype am I fitting into?  Is that the one I want?  How about I do my own thing, I can wear a kilt and sport a bagpipe.  Nope, walk around ...

Would I be your lover in your dreams? Would I be magical special enough to think of me when you sleep? Would you remember me while all those beautiful things happen in the only place they can? You could dream of blissfully bright meadows on summer mornings.  All the flowers singing your name as they cheer your presence. You could dream of majestic unicorns flying around the rainbow filled sky.  Spreading sparkling glitter on the beautiful world below. You could dream of birds wearing top hats and sharing with you a cup of tea.  They speak so highly of you and never want to leave. The best of your imagination sparked by your thoughts and soul.  Somewhere in this world you have created would you think of me? How would I be? Although maybe your dreams are not all filled with this beauty.  Perhaps you toss and turn by the rumblings in your mind.  Dark passages and dimly lit paths, shadowy figures and fear at your feet.  The dark things that wor...

I carefully slit my heart, just a small little nick on the top.  Big enough to carry a pebble.  I met the first people to see me, they cared for me as much as they could care for anyone.  I put a pebble in for them.  Then I met more, kind hearted, loved, compassionate people.  I asked for a pebble from each, and graciously they offered.  I carefully put it in, oh the pebbles. The more I met, the more I wanted.  Pebbles, little pebbles, big pebbles.  I want to take away that weight that holds you down.  I want to lift everyone on high.  I want you all to touch the stars.  I want it so bad, but the pebbles. Every person I meet, I want that little pebble to put in my heart.  Fill up my arteries and watch the blood pump around it.  Hear them shake when I jump in fear, listen to them rattle when I dance too fast.  I stretched it all I can, and I will stretch it some more.  Although my heart wears heavy, and the...

I see all the people that are famous, those guys driving the shiny cars with their hats tipped to the side, a beautiful lady at their sides.  I see all those people with those big homes, fancy yards, all that money. And I think.... Why can I be a little better, a little stronger?  What if I was a better looking, would you like me? What if I got a better education, would I have more money? A little smarter? A nicer car perhaps, maybe better fashion sense?  I thought that being a good person, being kind and respectful to people, working hard, diligent, honorable, would get you places.  I guess it's just fate.  I had no chance, just fate against me.  Or maybe I am wrong, all the things that I have been have brought me to this place.  Perhaps I did this to myself, perhaps I need to change.  Perhaps I just haven't waited long enough? Perhaps this will all pay out in the end. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.... maybe I'll just eat some cake.

If I lie to myself can I be better. Pretend I'm happy, pretend I'm great. If everyone thinks I am, doesn't it make me? Nevermind feelings, not what I think, it's my actions that count. If I lie and be happy, just act it all the time, maybe I will be.  If I can learn to lie really well, would I even know?

I look at my hands. I want to feel more. I peel away the skin to feel the stretch of my muscles. I pull at my sockets to feel the weight of my eyes. I tear out my liver to watch it filter. Yank out my stomach to hear it digest. I want to dig at my insides to get to know who I am.

I see your wonderful face.  That beautiful smile, that wakes me more than a cup of coffee. You have no idea what you do to me.  All I want to do is meet you, to get to know a wonderful person.  Just be friends with a wonderful person.  Just to be liked by a wonderful person. I just want a chance to meet you, to bump into you and help you with your books.  To open a door and get a little smile.  I slight chance to tell you how I feel.  All I need is a little bit of a chance. You walk so high, you talk so bright, I tall everyone makes you seem.  I hardly think I would be able to reach you, to be as stunning you are.  I just need a chance. I worked it all out in my mind, what I'll say, how you'll respond.  I just want to have a chance to make you smile, I promise I would try.  I could never see you frown.  I just need a chance. Once chance, I know what to say. One moment to say what I feel inside.  My hea...

I was so young, so little on my front porch.  I looked down the path and it looked like fun.  I walked, not packing a lunch, not taking a coat.  Then I walked. Walked I did, I enjoyed the flowers, the shade of the trees, the slight wind of the sky brushing the warm of the sun to tickle my skin. I walked and the hike brought more, more people to join on the path.  So bright, so warm, all of the people brought more.  The path so bright, so more narrow. I walked down the path noticing more the bushes and earth around, just off the path.  Not as bright, not as warm as the trail so beaten down with all the travelers.  So I walked, into the dark, looking for more. My eyes, so used to the light, couldn't see far and I was scraped, I was bruised.  I walked through the dark, never so cold. Then my eyes widen, and in the dark I soon could see. I walked, and found beauty in the dark, the corners most don't go.  I see the side that pe...

Are people genuinely kind or are they just trying to get in heaven? Are they really good or just selfish?  Does it even matter i f the actions are the same? If you pretended to like me, would I even know?  Would I even mind?

You hold the light that has shone me so much. You have brighten my life.  You make the world brighter, more colorful.  I thank you for being so kind for holding that light, for showing me the way, the beauty of the world.  You made sure I wasn't covered by the dark.  I thought you were kind, I thought you to be selfless, you standing there in the dark, holding the light. I grabbed your hand to join me, to share the light with me.  You kindly rejected, my perception of your kindness justified.  I reached out my hand to join yours in the beauty of the world you shone me through your light. Again you refused, your selflessness strengthen.  I reached out my hand to share these moments, to share the light. You hit my hand away, you shook the light, spinning, lighting all that you kept in the dark, showing why you hid in the dark.  You were so kind to show me the light, to keep me from the evils of the dark. To keep me away ...

I patiently wait, there's a reason right?  It'll get better, of course it will.  I wait with faith, blind faith, blind ignorance, that it will be better. The sun is just around the horizon.  I can see the light. I can see the people playing joyfully. I can see them having fun. And I wait, I patiently wait for the sun to come. Waiting, unable to lift the sun. Waiting.... the light will come.

Why am I even writing? Does any of this matter to you? To me? Just looking for a silent sounding board, a mute therapist? Am I hoping someone will find this and then have guilt when they realize they missed knowing me? What good does that do? Maybe I just want to talk about the things people don't have time to talk about between conversations about weather patterns and pictures of food.  Maybe I don't want to talk of heavy matters in turn to bring lighter times?  Maybe I just don't have the courage to say? Is it just words?

I forget that I feel. Walk the day with little to say.  Keep to yourself to not oppose anyone.  PC, that's what they want us to be.  Pretty calm, politically correct.  Quietly moving, but I feel. The emotions swirl with wide array.  Somewhere to let go, somewhere to feel.  It gets stronger, it wants  out, something to hold on to, something, anything. Quietly, we all move, building the rage inside.  Emotionally charged for a spark.  Then it comes, we feel it, sad, happy, anger, vanity, pick your poison. Find it's release, drugs, kids, religion, work, laugher, crying, friends, enemies, politics, potato chips, television, it's all there for your choosing.  Anything, just something, something to make you feel.