Don't read this

I had put down a deposit.  Signed for a loan I didn't even ask for. I wasn't even there when the deal was made.  My parents arranged it for me.  My life long loan. Now I make payments every day.  I need to take care of it, pay the bills, make sure I fill it with fuel three times a day. Sometimes I run it into the ground, sometimes I leave it in the garage to make sure it doesn't get rusted. I have grown to like this loan, it's been fun, it has taken me places I could only dream of.  Something that seems like I'd like to have for a while.  But everywhere I looked, every loan agent I talked to, they all told me the same thing. These bones are not for sale, they are not mine to have.  I only signed up for a loan.  Someday I am going to have to trade it in. It doesn't matter if I take good care of it, keep it washed and out of the sun to keep the paint from chipping.  There is no form to sign, no money I can put down, no barter, no de...

Hey friends, friends and family, people that I care about, people that I have yet to meet and get a chance to care about, hey all of you. Thanks, thanks for everything, thanks for this wonderful life, thank you for the wonderful times.  You make a single soul feel like something bigger, something that means something.  You make me feel like I am cared for.  Your love, your kindness, your thoughtfulness gives me meaning. It is you that give me strength, and the hustle bustle of this world can't compare to what you provide.  The world tempts me with wonderful places, beautiful worlds, fantastic cities, lands and experiences that would make others jealous.  Yet the only place I want to be is with my friends.  I can't run away to places, I run to my friends. I feel that if we are together we can make all of this ours, dance in traffic, turn a line to a party, make enemies our friends, paint what we can reach with the light that we have. You're my batter...

Locked up, its been so long in here. Every memory, every thought has been in this cell.  The people that I have learned from, the people I admire, we are all locked in the same place. We might be different, we might have a window view, some nicer bars, a top bunk if we're lucky, but we all wear the same jumpsuit. So I find the people with the cell that I feel comfortable with.  I make friends, I learn from them.  What they can see out their cell.  The small sliver of light that we can see.  It all reflects off the aluminum a little different.  So many different stories from the same light.  Apparent that we all want to see more, that we might get mad that the light doesn't show us more, that we are locked up in our cells.  Some talk about the light is all they have.  Some just shut their eyes and listen to the few sounds we hear.  We talk in the yard about the story of how the light was today.  What we heard, the same smells w...

I met you, I was graced by happenstance, the luck of the world, our paths crossed and I met you. You were such a beautiful flower but the world hadn't treated you as kind.  I saw so much within you, so much life in your being.  I wanted to be with you, because you made me feel better.  I wanted to do all the kind things for you, so you would want to be with me.  I wanted to be nice to you so you can see how good it was to be with me.  I wanted you to be with me because I wanted to feel better. I said nice things to you, I did nice things for you.  I lifted you up, told you that you were the world.  That you were something special, encouraged the spark in you to ignite the light that you can shine to others.  Be the bright shining star the world can see, see that I was able to capture that light. I thought you were beautiful, I saw how people noticed you.  I wanted to be the one you wanted.  I wanted you to love me.  You fille...

Every morning I wake up I remind myself.  The alarm is set at the same time, the sun comes up through the same crack in the blinds, I drink the same coffee and get into the same car, but this might not be the same day. The world is full of all, the wicked and the wonder.  Everyday I struggle to find the latter but know that the other is just behind.  Yet the moment we met everything felt a little different.  My coffee didn't taste the same, my car felt like a different machine, and the light seemed to shine a little brighter. Now you are at my side, the two of us together hand in hand in this crazy world.  I don't know what tomorrow brings as much as we try to make it be ours.  The chaos of the world will write the last line to our book but it doesn't seem to matter.  The world can throw what it wants our way as long as I have you by my side.  Any lemon that gets put in our way, I feel we can make a great lemonade.  As dark as the night m...

I love the cold. The brisk cool breeze on a hot summer day made me feel wonderful.  The cool 74 degrees fahrenheit makes for a great day. Tired of the heat, of the inconsistent days that weather would bring, I moved where it was colder so I can feel 74 everyday.  It was great for a while but ever so slowly the 74 began to feel a little warm.  A normal day where I wanted it to be colder.  64, 62, I'd even take 70. More and more, I wanted it to be colder, and colder, and colder.  A bag of ice under my pillow, an ice pack or two comforted me at work.  People would ask me out for a drink but the idea of an alcoholic beverage heating up my insides makes me nauseous.  So I just stay home and sit in my fridge, reading the ingredient label of the milk again. Colder and colder, I can't get enough.  It's the only way I want to live in this warm world.  I sit in the bath with the freezer door open.  The earth moving all around and me here, fr...

Just because I eat sweets doesn't mean I like cake. Just because I walk doesn't mean I don't need a ride. Just because I sleep doesn't mean I don't get tired. Just because I use a computer doesn't mean I need an email. Just because I shop doesn't mean I want your ads. Just because I am bored doesn't me you entertain me. Just because I am out dancing til 3 am doesn't mean I'm not tired. Just because I Just because I am a nice guy doesn't mean I can't be mean. Just because I laugh and smile doesn't mean I'm not rotting inside. Just because I cry doesn't mean I don't see the silver lining. Just because I doubt doesn't mean I don't believe. Just because I did something wrong doesn't mean I am bad. Just because I see doesn't mean that I'm not blind. Just because I hate you doesn't mean that I don't respect you. Just because I flooded the building in bubbles doesn't mean I'm not ...

"Be happy, always smile, look on the bright side.  There's always a silver lining." Positivity, feel the good vibes, stop being so negative. Yet anger dances with lust. I understand how you feel. Your hate makes you not like the world but my hate plays with my fun. It's the humility and respect that keep it at bay. Let the anger flow through you to make some change. Good vibes only perpetuate the now, anger and spite create change. They nail my boots to the ground, make me stand firm, to make some waves. Aww you feel this and you feel that. You feel kind and you feel mad. Your feelings arrived at some association of now. But tomorrow, the change of tomorrow, does it need your kindness? To soften the world to keep at its means and continue its ways? Or does it need your anger to change it to be different, to be something that can be a better place? Do you know what it needs? Are you sure of the change? What's your opinion, how do you feel about it all?

I'm glad I can be your good time lover. Spending all those fun nights together. Tearing up the party with our energy. Yet all I want is to wake up and do chores with you. Can't we pay our bills together? Or do you just want me around for a good time?  To take my laugher and make it yours?  To use me to brighten your day? Are you there when the laughter fades away? Are you there to help me through my hard times and make me laugh? Is it me you love or just my good times? How heavy of a stone can one be before no one can carry them? How strong have you become before I test your strength? Maybe I should never find out? Maybe I'll just suck enough helium to make me as light as air and make you laugh all the time. I hope you'll love me at these good times, light as a feather and full of hot air.

Do you like me? Do I like you? Do I like the way you make me feel? Do I like the way I think I make you feel? Do I like the way I feel when I like you? Do I like the way I feel when you are around? Do I like the way I feel when you are gone? Do I like the fact that you are like me? Do I like the fact that you are different? Do I like telling people you like me? Do I like telling people I like you? Do I like being with you? Do I like not being alone? Do I like you because it's easy? Do I like you more than most? Do I like not being scared? Do I like what you make me? Do I like what you could make me? Do I like....

I'll give you a moment of my time. I'll give you a good conversation. I'll give you a handshake. I'll give you a drink to pass the night. I'll give you a ride home to make sure you're safe. I'll give you a call tomorrow. I'll give you a nice evening out. I'll give you a kiss. I'll give you a beautiful night. I'll give you the shirt off my back. I'll give you all I have. I'll give you the passion inside me. I'll give you the emotion that makes me. I'll give you my thoughts and desires. I'll give you a bit of my life. I'll give you the home I have. I'll give you the security I built. I'll give you the food I harvest. I'll give you my dreams and my desires. I'll give you the touch of my nerves. I'll give you the skin off my bones. I'll give you the breath in my lungs. I'll give you my muscles to warm you. I'll give you my bones. I'll give you my heart and my vei...

It's the golden rule, the one message that is taugh to us all. We react, we respond, we treat others with our actions based on how they treat us. They push us around and we push back. They scowl at us and we reserve our kindness for someone more grateful. You're too kind. Don't be taken advantaged by those who don't appreciate you. Be it you friends, your family, or your enemies. This life is too short to grant permission to those who are selfish and petty. And the world is right, it's the basis of all mankind, of all our rules. Karma watches you, Santa watches you, God won't let you into heaven unless you are kind enough to repent. So foolish must be the one who runs with kindness in their heart. Foolish is the one who gives without thought. Ignorant is the one who looks Karma in the eye and spits in its soul. To be kind to the good, to be kind to the evil. To be kind to the thoughtful, to be kind to the selfish. To shine bright for those looking for a...

A bright light shining through every bit of being. Shining through the life of everything around me. If you've listened to the world, it tells you to close your eyes. Shut your lids as tight as you can and don't let it in. As tight as you try the shadows dance in the blur. You try hard to shut it out but it moves in your mind. It's hard to make out what it is but it haunts your world, the shadows in the light. Hold your eyes tight. Don't let it in. Some ponder the images of the shadows, some run scared, and some, as tight as they squeeze have no choice as the light squeezes through the shielded eye. The shadows do their dance but the light burns so bright. The shadowy images are burnt away and cling to the life around everything around me. They shadowy figures that I have been told to fear act like puppets to the light. It's the light that burns my eyes, it torches my pupil, burning everything I see. The shadows loom over everything around me but it matters...

Do you remember the good old days?  The days when we were young and carefree?  How life was so much simpler then? Do you remember seeing the world with brand new eyes?  How the smallest thing excited us because it was something we never saw before? We did have to worry about so much.  We didn't have to be concerned about making rent and putting gas in the car.  We jumped off the couch and ran outside to play as soon as we got the chance.  Explored the world with lust and wonderment. Now we have a home, and we bought a couch for that home.  A very comfortable couch. We wonder where those days have gone.  We sit on that couch and wonder what has happened to us.  We reminisce of the days when we had eyes full of bewilderment.  The bright future ahead of us.  We sit and remember the times we ran around. I wonder where that part of me went, where that youthfulness side of me has gone. Perhaps it's playing outside, running arou...

People say I've changed. I've changed just because I am trying to get you to like me.  That I have given up the traits people come to recognize in me. Given up what has made me who I am today. Yet that person now has met you. That person has grown to admire you. That person thinks highly of the person you have come to represent to those around you. That people think you are an outstanding person. So if I sold myself to you, changed to be a person you would admire. Shouldn't that mean the person you would want would be good too?  Maybe a change is what we need? A change for good perhaps, a change from the stagnate, or a change from now. Or is it that I have changed from what everyone else wants? Or I have changed from what the stagnate has made me? It's difficult to see if you drive the change or if the change is driving you. I hope you just respect me, and if you don't I can change.

Weed - "a wild plant growing where it is not wanted and in competition with cultivated plants."                -A rose in a garden of lilies could be considered a weed. Insanity - "is a spectrum of behaviors characterized by certain abnormal mental or behavioral patterns." Intolerant - " not tolerant of views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own. " Discriminate - " make an unjust or prejudicial distinction in the treatment of different categories of people or things, especially on the grounds of race, sex, or age." Phobia - " an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something." And I drive around looking at so many well maintained, manufactured lawns.

An enhanced being, given the world as a gift. I have needs, needs I ask the world to fill. Let these clothes make me feel confident. Let this technology make my life easier. Let this kale salad with toasted almonds make me feel accomplished. Let this caloric counter headband make me feel fit. Let this washed and wax hummer make me feel beautiful. Let this vest make me feel popular. Let this drink make me feel loved. Let this name make me feel smarter than the animals. I work a job, come home to television, and take out the trash.  I flush when I'm done and I obey traffic laws.  I am a respectable human being.  I am evolved, I am not an animal. The complexity of a human conscious makes us superior.  We have a right to this world, we are the superior beings. The simplistic nature of animals have no understanding of this earth.  We need to take care of them.  Basic creatures who's simple nature give them no understanding.  They just take ...

The moment I met you I knew the next would be different. You took my breath away. But I'm no fool, don't let the scars make you think otherwise. My glance is cheap, my breath is kind, my mind is grounded, but you seem like a lovely person. As I get closer to you I want you to do the same. Get closer to me. I'll let you in. You've made me different, I'll let you tattoo your name on my heart. Now you're the world to me. My blood pumps for you. My breath has you in its thoughts and my dreams wake with you in mind. My world has changed and so have I. You're kind to me, you're kind to all. Lovely at all means. My heart beats when you're near. It softens when you're gone. My heart has grown like I have never known. And it raced, feverishly beat the pounding blood into my veins. Beat loudly when you brought him into our home. My heart scarred with your name. I knew that moment that nothing would be the same. Now you're gone and I'm around...

The world is moving so fast around me.  I have to be faster than the world so it doesn't over take me.  I have to be stronger than the world so it doesn't break me.  I have to keep learning so consequences don't outsmart me.  I keep running and keep moving, faster and faster. Running every day, my shoes are worn and my legs are tired.  I'm trying to keep up the pace, racing for the dreams and expectations ahead of me.  Yet I can't even tell if it's the desires I race for or the fear and emotions quickly gaining pace behind me that I am running from.  I'm just running, keep on moving, keeping the pace of the world to not fall behind.  That's what we are all doing, right?  We just keep moving, chasing the dream, running from fear.  We all run together hoping not to trip.

Fight, win, conquer, over come. People are fed by the struggle.  Accomplishments define a nation, a generation, an individual. Yet I'm not sure how I feel about this contestant. I don't know if I like them or not. Should they win or suffer for my enjoyment? Do I want them to succeed or be humiliated in front of all?   You are the judge and jury for your entertainment. If you don't like them you hope they fail. If you do you want them to crush the opponent.  Why can't peacefulness be enthralling? Where is the handshake of a tie on television? But serenity doesn't fuel me.  Conquer, overcome, demolish, persevere.  I want to feel like I can achieve. I want to feel like I can win. I need you to help me population. Help me feel like I can win. Lower the bar so I can feel good.  Make it easy to beat everyone else,to be better than those I see, better than the reality, better than the TV. I want to win, and I don't want to struggle to achieve....

To all the beautiful people who called me a liar. To all the beautiful people who never take the time to call. To all the beautiful people who said I'm worth nothing. To all the beautiful people who have stabbed me in the back. To all the beautiful people who have left me to suffer and fold. To all the beautiful people who have made me cry. To all the beautiful people who have cheated on me. To all the beautiful people who have made me the fool. To all the beautiful people who sing of my demise. To all the beautiful people who left me in a bind. Thank you beautiful people, you've made me stronger, smarter, confident, self sustaining, observant, aware, and better.  Your beautiful ways have done so much. Just let me know when I can be beautiful too.

You and your kind make the world a horrible place. Can't you see that we are human beings all trying to get along? I talked my ideas to all my friends. I spoke my mind to my circle and groups. I pitched my thoughts to the people that get me. And we all think you're a fool Can't you understand that we're right? Why don't you listen to what we're telling you? Can you be more like us? Can't you see we're right? Can't you just do what we want? Just be the way we tell you to be. Just do the things we tell you to do. Be like us, we're the good people. Have an open mind and follow our rules.

Take a moment to take it all in.  Never to think to let it all back out. Are we just consumers, consumers at heart? Do we need to buy it all? Take it up as soon as I can? Save a quarter to spend a dollar? I have this version, I want the next. I have this flavor, now I need the rest. My copy is good but yours is the best. Where did it start and when does it end? I want this purchase to make me feel whole. The product to fill my soul. I want this all over me, saturate my senses to not feel a thing. I want to take it all in, take in all that I can hold. Take it in my heart, my soul, my belly, my brain. I'll make my self bloated, stretch until I explode. I'll consume technology. I'll consume fashion. I'll consume produce. I'll consume all the foods. I'll consume entertainment. I'll consume your loss. I'll consume the love of my kids. I'll consume the pain of my neighbors. I'll consume politics. I'll consume religion. I'll consume ...